How to use a public restroom
Do not touch ANYTHING! Push the door open with your foot, or wait for someone else to open it for you [advanced germ phoebes will have an emergency antibacterial cloth or latex glove handy]. Once inside (lord help you) look for what appears to be the cleanest stall, stay clear of the roomy x-large stall, it is a favorite of mothers with young children (note: for newbies, that means - pink eye, rhinovirus, and maybe even lice).
Push the stall door open with your foot and dash through (holding your arms across your chest), quickly twirl around and hold the door shut with your foot. While you are on one foot, lean over and rip off 5 squares of toilet tissue and toss them into the toilet (consider those 5 too dirty for use). Now take another few squares to shut and latch the door.
Holly crap, you are inside (no pun intended). If there are no toilet covers, LEAVE! it’s not worth it, everyone has peed their pants before. If you are feeling brave lay the flushable cover over the toilet. DO NOT PUNCH THE CENTER OUT! When I was taught (thanx Tavi) to not punch the center out (there really is no need to punch, you will not wet yourself, and you will be fine), I was a NEW WOMAN! It changed my life. Ok, so the latrine is covered, time to sit, or if you are able, squat and try not to touch the toilet (this takes some practice), remember the cover is there just in case, but let’s be realistic here – it’s tissue, and not bullet proof.
Are you done? Do what you need to with the toilet tissue; because here comes the tricky part, after you are cleaned up grab another little wad of toilet tissue for the door. Ready? STOP! Do not move, if this is NOT an automatic flush you can skip this next part; get ready to jump up, and evacuate the scene of the crime immediately! The toilet is going to flush, and you do not want any of the splashes to get you (I like to have a small bottle of sanitizer on me, so I can sanitize before I touch my pants - you will need to wash the sanitizer bottle when you wash your hands). Ready? GO! pull up your pants as you run from “Old Faithful”.
You are out (of the stall), time to wash! Grab a hand towel, turn on the faucet (hopefully it is automatic), Now wash, wash good, and grab two or more hand towels (hold one under your chin), one is for your hands, the other for turning off the faucet. Grab another hand towel to open the restroom door. If management has not learned to put a garbage right next to the door then toss your towel on the ground…that will teach-em. See how grouchy public restrooms make me?
You are out, you survived, or so it seems. There is a 2-10 day incubation period for most bugs before you will know for sure.
2 Responses to “How to use a public restroom”
April 22nd, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Okay so as we discussed…. you can use MANY toilet seat covers….. not just one. We are now a small step closer to bullet proof
May 13th, 2008 at 8:54 am
dear Stephanie
you are so right about the toilets.THEY ARE SO GROSS!i tried your method but i FAILED!
I AM NOW SICK!I AM NEVER GOING BACK IN A PUBLIC TOILET EVER AGAIN!!!!!!anyways i can hold it.this is the second time I’ve been to your web site you are so funny and interesting.your kids are so cute thanks for the advice
kind regards stephanie
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